Flying Toasters and Other Debilitating Obstacles
by tbossjenn
Summary: Jimmy messes up an assignment, so what's a jock to do? Don't worry, Byers has the answer!
1. Flying Toasters and Other Such Debilitat...

Jimmy felt something pushing at his pantleg,

Flying Toasters and Other Such Debilitating Obstacles

by tbossjenn

***********

Everett Browning sat down at a table in the hotel restaurant and opened his laptop. Not a bad trip to D.C., but he was ready to get back to L.A. 

"Can I take your order sir?" a loud voice asked.

Browning looked up and saw a big guy grinning down at him. His first urge was to shout for help, but then he realized the Hulk was his waiter. "Scrambled eggs and coffee please."

"Uh huh." The waiter was standing right over him now, looking at his computer.

Browning started to reconsider yelling for help. "Aren't you supposed to write that down?" 

"Huh? Oh, right! I was just ... uh ..." The waiter tapped his ear, then triumphantly said, "I was waiting to see if you wanted anything else!" It sounded like he had read the statement off a cue card. 

"I don't want anything else, thanks." 

The guy still didn't go away. Instead, he leaned way over Browning's shoulder. "Cool computer! It looks like the one my friend's got! Do you play a lot of games on it?"

"I use it for work. Could you go get my coffee now?" Browning reached for the laptop, but the waiter grabbed it and held it up to his chest. 

"This is AWESOME!"

"Give me that!" Browning tried to get the computer back, but the guy jumped out of his way. 

"I'm just looking at it!" He backed away as Browning lunged at him again. 

"Give it back!" Browning got his hands on the computer and tried to wrestle it out of the guy's hands, but the waiter pulled it back so hard he yanked Browning along with it. "Gimme it!"

"_NO!"_

"What's going on here?!" Hotel security ran up, and the big guy dropped the computer and dashed out the door.

"Are you all right, sir? Who was that guy?"

Picking up his laptop, Browning answered, "How the hell should I know?"

* * *

"What the hell happened?" Langly yelled at a sheepish Jimmy. They were all in the van going back to headquarters. 

"I don't know, I guess I panicked."

"Jimmy, all we asked you to do was pretend to be a waiter and take a good look over Browning's shoulder," Frohike said, glaring at him. "Instead you go and play tug of war with the guy!"

"Hey, come on, he tried his best," Byers said from the driver's seat. 

"You got no say in this, Byers. This is your fault too," Langly snapped. Byers frowned at him and turned back to his driving.

"Look, I know I messed up, but I got something, right? I had the laptop right in front of me."

"You want to see what you got?" Frohike asked. He turned on the t.v. and presented the footage that had been recorded by the small video camera taped to Jimmy's chest. "What kind of screensaver does Everett Browning use? Flying toasters, gentlemen, flying toasters!"

Jimmy was confused. "Toasters? I thought you guys were looking for something about the government."

"We _were_. Everett Browning has got evidence proving the government's involvement with his software company locked away in that laptop and all you got on tape was Browning's screensaver," Langly fumed.

"Don't forget Jimmy's trip to the bathroom." This from Frohike.

"I'm trying to forget. Really_, really_ trying to forget."

"I did what you told me to do." Jimmy was starting to get mad.

"You didn't even wait for him to bring up his files!" Langly snapped. "Browning uses that laptop for _everything_, and he never opens it in public except for when he has breakfast on business trips. We lost our chance and now we don't have a story!"

"And it didn't even occur to you to take the computer with you when you ran away," Frohike added.

Jimmy stood up, towering unsteadily over the two Gunmen. "I _said_ I was sorry," he growled. 

"Whoa, don't get mad there, buddy!"

"Yeah, man, it's okay!" 

Byers snickered from the front seat. 

When they reached headquarters, Frohike said to Jimmy, "Well, you know you won't be doing anymore undercover jobs."

"Aw, come on! That's the funnest part!"

"You really screwed this one up, Jimmy."

"I know, but I can do better next time, I promise!"

Byers, who was sifting through the mail, held something up and announced, "I think I have the answer."

Langly squinted and said, "Community College?" It was a catalog of courses offered to working adults. 

"There's a drama course being offered next month, and I think Jimmy should go," Byers stated in a matter-of-fact tone. "See, Jimmy, you weren't acting casual enough to pass for a waiter -"

Frohike snorted. "I'll say."

With a sigh, Byers continued. "You put Browning on his guard from the get go because of the way you approached him. You were acting strangely before you grabbed the computer, and waiters don't act strange. You need to learn how to behave normally while undercover. That way, you won't have to resort to ... well ... physical assault."

"Byers, you always think you have the answer," Langly said.

"I was right about the chroma-key, wasn't I?"

"Yeah, yeah ... Hey, while we're on the subject, how did we get out of there again?" Langly asked, scratching his head. "My memory's kinda hazy." 

"It happened like this -" Byers was interrupted by the door buzzer. It was Yves (whose name I keep wanting to pronounce "Yeeves").

"Hello, boys, how did your little surveillence party go?"

"It was a bust thanks to Gigantor. But I'll bet you got something," Frohike answered.

"Maybe I did."

"Care to share anything?"

"Of course not. I came by to give you this." She handed Frohike a brochure. "It's a fitness gym that I think is worth checking out."

"You came over here to tell me to get in shape?"

Yves rolled her eyes and replied, "No, but I thought you'd be interested in what the government puts in the dietary supplements that are sold there."

"Some kind of drug?" Byers asked excitedly.

"I don't know, but I've heard from a pretty reliable source that the government is testing the effects of these supplements on people who exercise at that gym. They're supposedly trying to find a way to increase the strength of their soldiers."

Langly was suspicious. "Why are you giving it to us?"

Yves shrugged. "There's no money involved for exposing it. I figured this was something you four would be interested in. I guess you're not, too bad." She snatched the brochure out of Frohike's hand and started for the door.

"Wait, we're interested," Byers said. "If innocent people are being experimented on, it's our responsibility to put a stop to it."

Yves smiled. "All right, I'll be seeing you all later then." She laid the brochure down on the table and sashayed out the door. 

"Guys, this sounds like a big story," Byers said.

"Everett Browning big?" Langly remarked.

"Don't start that again!"

Frohike scratched his chin. "I wonder how many babes are gonna be at this gym?"

"Hey, this drama class sounds cool!" No longer distracted by the presence of Yves, Jimmy was sitting on the couch reading the course catalog. 

"So you'll do it?" Byers asked. 

"Sure, but I don't really want to go by myself. Will one of you guys go with me?"

"Byers will go," Langly and Frohike said in unison.

"What?! Why me?"

"You were the one who let him be the waiter after he begged us," Frohike replied. "That means you go to school with him."

Byers refused to give up without a fight. "But what about the gym story?"

"Langly and I will handle it."

Defeated, the former narc sighed and said, "Okay, I'll go."

Jimmy's face lit up. "All _right_! This is gonna be great!" Clapping Byers hard on the shoulder, he almost knocked the Gunman down in his enthusiasm. 

"Jimmy, if you pass this class then we'll reconsider letting you work undercover," Frohike said. "But not until then."

"Sure, whatever you say," the jock eagerly agreed, grateful for the second chance. "Hey, guess what else? Says here it'll only take me a few classes to be a licensed aromatherapist!" 

* * *

"Oh my god, it's a Bally's Total Fitness Commercial," Frohike remarked. He and Langly had gone to check out the gym, and found themselves in the midst of many large, well-toned men. Suddenly both Gunmen realized how small and _un_-toned they actually were.

"I wanna get out of here, Frohike."

"Just a second, now. All we have to do is buy the supplements, then we can get out of here." 

"Can I help you?" Standing before them was one of the most beautiful women they had ever seen (besides Yves). 

"Now I remember my favorite part of that commericial," Frohike whispered to Langly. To the woman he said, "Hi, yeah, we wanted to buy some of your dietary supplements."

"Hi, I'm Cindy. Are you interested in signing up?" 

"No, we just wanted the supplements."

"I'm sorry, but our policy says you first have to sign up and then come in for twenty visits before we can sell them to you."

"Sign up?" Langly said in horror.

"Twenty visits?" This from an equally horrified Frohike.

"Uh, we were just taking a look around, and we've had our look and we think we'll be going now," Langly said. He grabbed Frohike, who refused to budge. "Come on, Frohike!"

As Langly dragged him to the door, Frohike called out, "We'll think about it!"

* * *

Frohike and Langly were back at headquarters waiting for Jimmy. "Thanks a lot! The next time I go someplace where there's hot women I'm leaving you here," Frohike muttered. 

"You saw those other guys. All by yourself you might've had a really slim chance but definitely not with all those Jimmys around."

"I might not be built like Jimmy but I can still kick your ass!" Frohike started towards Langly, but then Jimmy and Byers walked in. Frohike plastered on a grin. "Hey, Jimmy, how was class?"

Jimmy scrunched his face up in distaste. "We've got homework."

"Too bad. Say, wouldn't it be more fun to help me and Langly out with something?"

Jimmy's face brightened. "Like what?"

"We need your help with the gym story," Langly said, putting on his most sincere smile. "You'll join and after twenty visits they'll sell you the supplements. Then we can get the stuff tested."

"Why don't you guys join?"

"Weight training isn't exactly our area," Frohike answered. 

"But you said I wasn't supposed to help you until I pass the acting class," Jimmy said.

"Yeah, and I think Frohike was right," piped up Byers. "You shouldn't do anymore undercover work until after you know for sure you're ready."

Jimmy nodded. "I getcha, Byers. I've got some studying to do." Jimmy went to his room, and Byers gave his colleagues a devilish smile.

"Okay, is this revenge or something?" Langly asked.

Byers held up his hands. "Oh no, I just happen to agree with Frohike that Jimmy should pass the class first. Have fun at the gym, guys; I've got some studying to do." Whistling, he headed towards his room. 

Frohike shook his head. "Don't you love it when the narc gets smug?" 

to be continued

Note for Nitpickers: Yeah, I know you don't have to go to a gym twenty times to get dietary supplements. And I know there was probably an easier and more hacker-ish way for the Gunmen to get the information from the laptop. But does that really matter? Catch you later for chapter 2. 


	2. The Next Haley Joel Osment?

Untitled Normal Page

Part II: The Next Haley Joel Osment? 

by tbossjenn

"All right class, we're going to have another exercise," Dr. Jones said, motioning for her class to stand up. "Partner up, now." She gently pulled Jimmy aside and said, "Why don't you try it with someone else this time, Jimmy? I know he's your friend, but talent like yours could be ... well, stunted."

"I can't just leave him, ma'am. He was nice enough to take this class with me." 

Dr. Jones sighed and said, "You are such wonder!"

Jimmy rejoined Byers and said, "This is so much fun!"

"Oh yeah, fun." The professor had already told Byers on numerous occasions how bad he was at acting and that it was a shame he couldn't be as good as his friend Jimmy, who was the star of the class. Byers didn't get it - he had always been the teacher's pet in school and had done undercover work for years. Why was he suddenly such a terrible actor?

"Here's the exercise: one of you is going to pretend to be the parent and the other one will be the kid wanting a new puppy. The parent will say 'no'."

Byers looked at Jimmy. "Why don't you be the kid?"

"Okay!" Jimmy relaxed and put on one of his two best acting faces: the 'Big Grin'. "Hey Byers ... I mean, Dad ... I saw a really cute dog in the pet store today! Can we get him?"

"Who will take care of him, Jimmy?"

"I will, I promise! Please, Dad? Please?" 

Byers was about to give him an exasperated 'no' when he looked at Jimmy and got suckered in by the 'pleasepleaseplease' face that had replaced the 'Big Grin'. "I ... uh.... *sigh* Okay, Jimmy." This had been exactly the same response he had given him when Jimmy had begged Byers to let him play the waiter for the Everett Browning story. 

"All _right_! Thanks, Byers!" Jimmy grabbed him a big bear hug.

"John, you weren't supposed to say 'yes', you were supposed to tell him 'no'," Dr. Jones said, shaking her head and writing a big, red 'negatory' down in her gradebook. "Okay, sit back down, everybody. Open your books to page one hundred and fifty."

Byers glared at her back while opening his book. _We're halfway done, we're halfway done _... he chanted to himself. 

"Hey, Byers!" Jimmy was leaning over to him. "We'll go get it after class is over?"

"Get what?"

"The puppy!"

* * *

Langly cursed as the buzzer went off. He was too comfortable on the couch watching midget wrestling, but seeing how he was the only one there he rolled onto the floor and half-crawled over to the door. Standing there was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen (besides Cindy from the gym), and normally he would have been overjoyed by such a prospect except that the woman was Yves. "What are you doing here?"

"I just wanted to see how your story was coming along," Yves replied coolly, stepping inside. Just then, a pomeranian puppy ran up and jumped against her legs (remember Scully's dog? Same kind of dog). Yves smiled and said, "Oh, how darling! When did you get him?"

"Jimmy got it last week, and it doesn't do anything but pee and crap all over the place," Langly answered, flopping back on the couch. "I think after the acting class is over we'll put Byers in a course that'll teach him how to say 'no'."

"What's the puppy's name?"

"Jimmy was so happy Byers let him get a dog that he named it 'JFB', only he calls it - "

"Hey, Jeffie B! Where's my boy?!" Jimmy walked in, accompanied by Byers. The dog ran over to Jimmy and twirled around and around excitedly. 

Byers looked down at the puppy and asked, "Where?"

"Your room, the kitchen, and over by the file cabinet," Langly answered.

Dejected, Byers went to the kitchen and returned with a rag and some cleaner. "Jimmy, we've go to start barricading JFB in the kitchen until he's housebroken."

"But he doesn't like it in there."

"Too bad." To Langly, Byers said, "You could help out too, you know."

"Hey, you let him get the rat, you help him take care of it." Langly had spent enough of his life cleaning up after animals.

Byers finally noticed Yves and asked, "What are you doing here?"

"I get asked that a lot. I'm just interested in how the gym story is going."

Byers turned to a sheepish Langly. "It's going okay, right?"

"Uh, yeah! Sure! No problem!"

"All right then." Byers eyed Langly suspiciously before heading off to take care of his room. 

"You and Frohike haven't been going, have you?" Yves said to Langly.

Langly snorted. "I don't know about Frohike, but I've got better things to do than run around in spandex and lift weights."

"Yes, I can see that," Yves remarked, glancing at the T.V.

"What could be more fun than lifting weights?" Jimmy said, playing with JFB on the floor. 

"Let me think .... _ANYTHING_." 

"But what about all those innocent people being experimented on by the government?" Jimmy shot back.

"Well ... I ..." Langly hesitated, then answered, "You should have helped us when we asked you to!"

"Hey, I'm not supposed to be working until after I'm done my class. Frohike said so!"

"What? What did I say?" Frohike had chosen that moment to walk in.

"Why haven't you been going to the gym?" Yves challenged him.

"I _have_ been going."

She blinked in surprise. "You have?"

"Yeah, right!" Langly said. ""He's gone over there a few times to hit on Cindy. He hasn't actually signed up."

"They want me do a full year membership." Frohike replied defensively. "I don't think I'm ready for that kind of commitment, I mean, come on!"

Yves crossed her arms and gave him an admonishing look. "_Melvin _..."

"All right, all right. Langly, you're coming with me."

"What? Why?" the Ramones fan protested.

"I am not doing this by myself. Besides, you might actually put a little bit of bulk onto those scrawny arms of yours."

"I'll show ya scrawny, ya ..."

"Hey, guys, did I miss anything?" Byers had reappeared. 

"No, I was just leaving," Yves answered, heading for the door. On her way she said, "Oh, and have fun working out, guys."

Langly and Frohike glared at her. 

* * *

Frohike squared his shoulders and said, "Well, it's now or never." He and Langly were standing on the street outside the gym. Both were dressed in bike shorts and muscle t-shirts.

Langly, whose shirt appropriately had the Ramones pictured on the front, said, "I prefer 'never'. This is gonna be like being in gym class all over again."

"I know what you mean," Frohike replied, suddenly noticing just how hairy his shoulders actually were. 

"We already know what they're doing in there, why don't we just fake the results and write the story?"

"We can't do that, we need proof. Besides, Byers would kill us."

"You're right - Byers is one scary dude," Langly said sarcastically.

"Come on, there's no other way." 

The two of them entered the gym, where they were met by a Cindy who was no longer so thrilled to see them. "Sorry, but I can't just let you guys hang out in here without a membership."

"We're here to sign up," Frohike said.

"Really? Wow! Okay, come on over here!" They filled out their applications and Cindy went to get their membership cards.

Langly turned to Frohike and said, "Why do I feel like I've just signed my life away?"

Cindy came back and said, "Okay, now you'll each be assigned a personal trainer!" She pointed in the direction of some beautiful women who were standing by the locker rooms. 

"All right!" Frohike whispered under his breath.

"I take it back, man, I take it all back," Langly said, grinning. 

Just then, two large guys came out of the mens' locker room. "There they are," Cindy said. "Hey, Hank and Rodd! Come over and meet your new clients!"

The jocks walked over and one of them asked, "Which one of you is Melvin?"

Frohike hesitantly raised his hand.

"Great! I'm Big Hank," the jock said, putting a meaty arm around Frohike's hairy shoulders. "Don't worry, I'll be gentle."

"Um, great. Thanks ..." Frohike muttered.

* * *

"_DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME, YOU LITTLE PISSANT?! I SAID NO!_" Jimmy yelled. He was standing over Byers with his fist raised in the air.

Byers, who was pressed back against the wall, stared up at the fist and meekly answered, "Okay, Dad." Jimmy backed away and began to smile sheepishly as the rest of the class applauded his little performance. 

"Wonderful, Jimmy, wonderful!" Dr. Jones gushed. "You are an amazing actor!" The professor turned to Byers (who was still standing with his back pressed flat against the wall) and said sternly, "You see, John? That's the kind of thing you should have done when you played the father in the puppy exercise. If you were a good actor, you would have thought of it."

"I should have threatened to hit my 'kid'?" Byers asked incredulously, wishing he really could hit him. Jimmy had nearly given him a heart attack.

"You need to learn how to _emote_, John. Jimmy has a lot of raw emotion, and he's not afraid to show it. Don't worry, I'm not going to give you a failing grade, but if you want to do better you should watch your friend." Shaking her head, she added, "It's such a shame you're so bad at acting."

"I know I'm a bad actor. I'll try to do better." Dr. Jones gave Byers a reassuring smile and he went back to his seat. Next to him, Jimmy was grinning in excitement.

"Man, I can't wait to see what part I get in the play. This is gonna be so cool!"

Byers gave him a sidelong glance. "I'm sure it will be, Jimmy," he replied with a sigh. 

Jimmy grinned at him shyly. "Thanks a lot for getting me into this class, Byers; I'm having a great time. Don't let Dr. Jones get you down; you're not really all that bad. Heck, I don't think I'm as good as she thinks I am."

"No, you are good at this, Jimmy. I'm glad you're getting something out of the class."

Their little moment of Gunmen emotional bonding was then interrupted when the professor handed out their parts for the play the class was going to perform as their final assignment. 

Jimmy's face lit up into a genuine 'Big Grin' and he said, "All _right_!"

Byers' jaw dropped. 

* * *

Byers and Jimmy came home to find Frohike and Langly collapsed onto the couch. The motionless Gunmen both had a glazed look in their eyes, and JFB lay curled up asleep in Langly's lap. Wondering if they were actually still alive, Byers poked Langly on the arm. After a minute Langly muttered, " ...ow ..."

"Are you guys okay?"

"Oh, yeah," Frohike groaned. "If you call being worked on for an hour by a guy who calls himself 'Big Hank' okay."

"That bad, huh?" Byers asked, stifling a smile. 

"It was worse than gym class," Langly said in a dazed voice. "Much, much, _much_ worse than gym class." He absently petted Jeffie B on the head. 

"Maybe the story's really supposed to be about their torture techniques."

"No, I don't think so. There were other guys doing the same stuff we were and they seemed perfectly fine," Frohike answered. "Hand me the remote, will you, Byers? When we got back we sat down here and then neither of us could move. We've been staring at a blank T.V. screen for almost an hour now." 

"Sure, here you go." Byers handed the remote to a grateful Frohike, who turned it onto the news. 

No longer able to contain his excitement, Jimmy burst out, "Guess what? I got the lead in the school play! It's totally the best part!"

"That's great, buddy," the surprised Frohike said. "What's the play?"

"It's about a robot boy who can love," Byers answered.

"I'm the robot boy!" Jimmy said. 

"Isn't that a movie or something?" Langly asked.

Byers frowned. "No, I don't think so."

"What part did you get, Byers?"

"Ummmm ..."

"He plays my best friend," Jimmy explained. "He's another robot." 

"What's the character?"

"Okay, let's go practice our lines now, Jimmy." Byers said, grabbing the young man by the jacket and practically dragging him towards his room. Byers turned to the others and said, "You guys don't really need to come to the play. I'm sure you'll be too busy doing ... I don't know, something else."

"Yeah, we probably will be too busy," Frohike replied casually. When two thespians were gone, he turned to Langly and said, "Something tells me I should definitely be there."

Langly gave him a sneaky grin. "Oh, yeah."

to be continued

Note: You may be wondering why Byers didn't hear that whole conversation going on between the Gunmen and Yves. The answer: Byers has a soundproof bedroom. Also, why would a jock like Jimmy have a girlie dog? *shrugs* I dunno, my sister has one, and they're really cute. I'll finish this up in Part 3, so stay tuned. 


	3. Big Macs and Leather Pants: Life's Guilt...

Part 3

Part III: Big Macs and Leather Pants: Life's Guilty Pleasures

by tbossjenn

Note: Okay, I know this took longer than forever to come out, and I'm really sorry about that. It's the final installment of the story, so at least you won't have to wait for anymore parts. Just a quick warning, there are a few very minor spoilers for A.I: Artificial Intelligence in case you haven't seen that movie. If you haven't, then you're probably better off. Frohike pretty much voices my opinion of it. Also, there is some excessive exercise trainer bashing that is not intended to offend anyone - I'm a member of a gym and I like it once I'm able to force myself to go. Oh well - apologies are over, hope you enjoy the story :)

**********************

Since Byers didn't have anything in his closet except for nicely pressed suits, Jimmy and Byers visited the local Goodwill Thrift store in search of a costume for his part in "I.A.: Imitation Acumen". 

"Wow! Look at this place!" Jimmy said in awe. "They've got everything in here!"

"Can I help you boys?" asked the elderly woman who was sitting next to an ancient cash register. 

With pride, Jimmy answered, "We're actors, ma'am, and we need to get a costume for our play."

"Oh, how nice. What kind of characters do you play?"

"I'm a robot boy and John's a -"

"That's okay, we don't need any help. Thanks anyway." Byers pushed Jimmy over to a rack of musty smelling clothes. 

"What'd you do that for?"

"Jimmy, you don't need to tell every little old lady we see that I'm playing a .. a ..." He looked around self-consciously for second, then said, "A male prostitute."

"Prostitute?" Jimmy asked loudly. "I thought you were supposed to be a gigolo." Byers just gave him a look, and realization dawned in Jimmy's face. "Ohhhhhh, I get it. Anyways, I wasn't gonna say you were a prostitute or a gigolo or whatever. I was just gonna say you play my best friend."

Suddenly feeling bad, Byers said, "Hey, I'm sorry, Jimmy. Why don't you help me find an outfit? I'll wear whatever you pick out."

Jimmy's face lit up. "Okay!" The two of them started rummaging around the small store, which wasn't at all organized. Byers was just considering a frilly blue tuxedo (not unlike the one he had worn to his senior high school prom) when Jimmy asked, "Do we need a lamp?"

"No, why?"

"Well, take a look at this one." He held up an old dusty lamp. "I think it would look great at headquarters - it'd give the place a little class. Whaddya think?"

Even though he knew HQ could do with a little more class, Byers said, "I don't really think we need that, Jimmy." The lamp was so covered with dust he could barely tell what color it was.

Jimmy sighed with feelings of nostalgia. "This is just like my uncle's basement where he kept lots of junk, and me and my brother would go looking around and pulling everything out and my uncle would yell at us to get the hell out." Smiling, he added, "Those were some good times." They looked around some more until Jimmy held something up in triumph. "This is perfect, Byers! You have got to wear this."

Byers looked up and stifled a groan.

* * *

Langly was lifting weights.

Actually, he was trying his best to lift the weights so he wouldn't accidentally strangle himself with them. 

"Come on, Ringo, you can do it!" Rodd beamed down at Langly's purple face.

"_Help me_."

With a disappointed sigh, Rodd the Personal Trainer lifted the weight with ease and secured it. Langly sat up gasping for air. "It's okay, man, you'll get it soon. Lots of guys come in here like you and build themselves up pretty big," the jock said reassuringly.

"Maybe I'd do better if I could get those supplements," Langly suggested, hoping against hope.

"Sorry, you need to come in fifteen more times for that."

Five times. He'd been suffering this torture for only five times, and he'd have to come in for fifteen more appointments of torture. What was the point of this again? Oh yeah, to save Americans or something. Normally he liked saving Americans but this time he'd rather sit out and let Jimmy do it for awhile, only Jimmy was busy with that stupid class Byers had told him about. Byers ... yeah, this one must be Byers' fault ...

Frohike limped up with Big Hank in tow, and Langly commented, "Let me guess. You fell on the treadmill again."

"Actually, he got tangled up in the Nordic Track," Big Hank explained.

Wincing, Frohike replied, "Don't say a word, Langly."

"Hey, I'm not doing much better." 

Big Hank clapped them hard on the shoulders. "Hey, guys, cheer up." Handing Frohike a slip of paper, he said, "This is the recipe for my Super Deluxe Body Building Power Shake. Drink some of that down and I gurantee you'll be feeling it."

"Thanks, Hank," Frohike said appreciatively.

On their way out, Langly asked, "You're not actually going to drink that, are you?"

"Relax, these ingrediants are all natural. Besides, it might help us. Coming here makes me miss training with Mrs. Hogg."

When they reached HQ, Langly and Frohike painfully got out of the van. "Frohike, there's no way I'm gonna make it," Langly said.

"Come on, there's a story here, man. No way those guys can look like that without taking something."

"Maybe they're all taking Big Hank's Super Milkshake. _Why_ did we tell Jimmy he couldn't do anymore undercover jobs? This sucks!"

"Did you already forget how he messed up the last job? I hate to say it, but Byers was right - Jimmy needed that class." He paused by the door. "Hey, we can't let Byers know how much this is killing us, so don't collapse till you get to your room."

"Gotcha." Langly opened the door, and the two Gunmen were confronted by the sight of Byers and Jimmy holding hands. Seeing Langly and Frohike, Byers turned a brilliant shade of red and backed away from Jimmy. 

Raising his eyebrows, Frohike asked, "Are we interrupting something?"

"No!" Byers answered defensively.

Jimmy gave the dapper bearded guy a hurt look. "You love me, right?"

"Very funny, Jimmy. You can cut it out now." Nervously glancing at Langly and Frohike, Byers said, "I have some ... stuff ... to do in my room." He rushed off. 

Jimmy gave the guys a big grin. "Hey, how's the exercising going?"

"Hate it!" Langly stated, flopping down on the couch. 

"Ditto," Frohike said.

"Oh come on, it could be fun if you guys weren't so ..."

"Weren't so _what_?" Frohike challenged.

"Ummm ... never mind. Hey, I still think you're the greatest even though you make _really _bad jocks."

"Thanks, Jimmy, that means a lot," Langly said with a dejected sigh. JFB ran up to the couch and twirled around in front of him, and Langly patted his head before the puppy raced over to Jimmy.

"Hey, Jeffie B! Were you visiting Langly? Come on, boy, I've got a surprise for you in the kitchen!" Jimmy walked into the other room with JFB at his heels. 

Frohike eased himself into a chair. "Anything good on?" 

" QVC."

"Anything else?"

"QVC."

Frohike shrugged. "Okay. Hey, how come you didn't push the dog out of the way earlier?"

"Too tired."

"Oh."

Langly and Frohike stared at the t.v.

The buzzer went off. 

Langly and Frohike stared at the t.v.

There was a loud banging on the door.

Langly and Frohike stared at the t.v.

"Aren't you guys going to get that?" Byers asked, emerging from his room. The Gunmen-turned-temporary-jocks were intently gazing at a home shopping channel that was currently selling a gold ring with a stunning peridot and diamond setting for $79.98. Byers gave them a strange look before answering the door and paying for the pizza he had ordered for dinner. "Come on and eat, guys."

"Why don't we have it out here in front of the t.v.?" Frohike suggested, turning his head a little. 

"Oh .. okay." Byers set the pizza down on the coffee table and pulled up a chair. Frohike and Langly, revived by the smell, eagerly inched forward but Byers shook his head. "You guys are in training, remember?"

"What are we supposed to eat then?" Frohike demanded.

"Here, I got this for you." Byers set a couple of big salads down in front of them.

"You have got to be kidding me."

"Byers, I am _hungry_, here, man!" Langly protested.

"That's plenty enough to fill you up, and it's more nutritional." Byers sat down to eat, and it was a strange and little-known fact that even though he was fastidious in just about everything else, he still ate his pizza just as sloppily as anyone while keeping his suit perfectly clean. "Hey, Jimmy, you're missing pizza!" he called out.

Jimmy came out of the kitchen with silverware and a plate. He carefully set his place before him on the coffee table, then proceeded to eat from an empty plate. 

Langly watched him, counted to five, then asked, "_What_ are you doing?"

"Robot boys don't eat - they pretend to eat," Jimmy replied. "From now on I'm going to pretend to eat."

"It's for the play," Byers explained.

"Oh right, the play," Frohike said. 

"It's gonna be awesome!" Jimmy grinned. "Me and Byers are friends in the play, and we're friends in real life."

"So it's like art imitating life," Langly commented.

"Yeah, only I'm not _really_ a robot boy."

"Byers, how did you get the second best role?" Frohike asked. "I thought you was supposed to be the worst actor in the class."

"Thanks a lot, Mel."

"Yeah, how _did_ you get that part?" Langly added, picking at his salad.

Byers sighed. "Jimmy begged Dr. Jones to let me play his friend because he said he couldn't be the star otherwise. She didn't really like it, but she agreed."

"The pleasepleaseplease face, right?" Langly said. Byers nodded.

"Well, now you've got a chance to show the prof you're not so bad after all," Frohike said helpfully. 

"Maybe."

Langly watched Jimmy put the bare fork in his mouth several more times before asking him, "What about when you get hungry?"

"Robot boys don't get hungry," the jock answered seriously. 

After Byers finished almost all of the pizza entirely on his own and Jimmy was done pretending to eat, the two of them went to Byers' room to rehearse for the play. Frohike turned to Langly and asked, "What do you think they're really up to in there?"

"Who cares, I need food!" the frustrated Langly said, dumping the salad in the trash. They raided the fridge and found some ancient cartons of Chinese food and a container of fat free tapioca pudding. "Fat free?" Langly said, wrinkling his nose.

"That's Byers making up for all that pizza he puts away. Do you want to brave the Chinese?"

"Do you?"

The Chinese food soon went the way of the salad, and then Frohike pulled out Big Hank's recipe. "What about this? We've got the makings for it."

"Wow, that's convenient," Langly commented. "We don't have anything in the kitchen except for these exact ingredients. It's as if some greater force wants us to drink it or something." 

Frohike shrugged. "Who are we to argue with fate?" The two of them quickly mixed everything up in the blender, and it came out looking like a vanilla milkshake. "Hey, this is pretty good!"

"Yeah," Langly agreed, downing the shake. "Big Hank actually scores a point!" They both liked it so much that they each had three more glassfulls before they noticed something was wrong. 

Frohike groaned, clutching his stomach. "Langly ..." 

"I know - my guts feel like they're going to explode."

Jimmy and Byers walked in and stared at them in alarm. "What happened to you guys?" Jimmy asked.

"We drank some of Hank's super shake and something in it made us sick," Frohike explained. "I don't why - everything in it is natural."

Byers picked up the recipe and scanned it, then raised his eyebrows. "This has coconut milk in it."

"So?"

"Do you guys remember _Castaway_?"

Realization dawned on the suffering Gunmen. "Oh man, I get the bathroom first!" Langly said, rushing into the hall. Frohike hurried after him, almost knocking Yves over. 

"Well, don't say excuse me, or anything!" she called after him. "So where's the fire?"

"They've got the runs," Byers answered, then he saw with horror that JFB was trotting out of his room. "Oh, no!" He grabbed the cleaner and ran into his room.

"Three down, I guess there's just one more to go," Yves commented, giving Jimmy a sly look.

"How did you get in?" Jimmy asked, suddenly a little shy.

"I have my ways," she replied. "So what have you got here?" Yves was examining the medium sized cardboard box that sat in the corner. 

"Oh, I made that for Jeffie B. It's a puppy bed."

"You made this? It's wonderful." One side of the box had been cut low so that the dog could easily go in and out, and the box was lined with a piece of carpet. 

"It was easy," Jimmy replied bashfully. "I got the box from the grocery store, and the carpet was already lying around here."

Yves smiled at him. "Well, this definitely shows that you're not all jock, Jimmy." 

"Yeah, I know. I'm a robot boy."

"What?"

"Well, I play one - I'm an actor in a play."

"Really?" Yves said. "A play?"

"Yeah, and Byers is in it too. Will you come see it?"

Yves was about to say she would be too busy seducing Prime Minister Tony Blair in order to uncover a secret conspiracy within the British Government, but Jimmy had that pleasepleaseplease look on his face - her only weakness. "All right, I'll be there," she sighed. Tony Blair would have to wait. 

"Great! You can wear this!" Jimmy went into the other room and presented her with an old frilly yellow bridesmaid dress. 

"Oh, thank you. You ... really shouldn't have."

"I didn't mind," Jimmy replied, grinning. "I'd really like for you to come see me in the play," he added softly.

"I'll come," she said, moving a little closer.

The tender moment of the only two non-geeks on the show connecting in a romantic kind of way was interrupted by Byers chasing JFB into the kitchen. "Bad dog! Come here!" JFB jumped into his bed and curled up into a little fuzzy ball, staring up at him with soulful eyes. 

"Aw, come on, Byers, leave him alone," Jimmy said. "Guess what? Yves is coming to the play!"

"Oh, that's ... wonderful," Byers replied.

"I'd better be going," Yves said, her solid cool resolve replacing the 5 degrees of warmth she had just shown towards Jimmy. "I just came by see how Langly and Frohike were doing with their story, but I think I should come back later."

"Just don't go down that hall," Byers warned, indicating the way to the bathroom. 

"I'll keep that mind." She started to leave, but Jimmy stopped her.

"Hey, Yves! You forgot your dress!"

"Oh, yes. I wouldn't want to forget that." She took it and left.

"Boy, she's the greatest!" Jimmy sighed. Then he turned to Byers and asked, "Do you love me?"

Byers rolled his eyes.

* * *

"Hey Mel, Ringo. I haven't seen you guys in a long time," Big Hank said accusingly. Frohike and Langly had just returned to the gym after being gone for more than a week. 

"Your super shake made us sick," Frohike answered coldly, handing him the recipe.

Big Hank looked it over, then laughed. "Oh, man, this is the old version. The new one doesn't have coconut milk in it. Let me go find it."

"No thanks, Frohike replied, resisting the urge to strangle the beefy neck. "I think I'm through here. How 'bout you, Langly?"

"Definitely."

Big Hank shrugged. "Okay, have it your way, losers." He went over to Cindy and said, "Cut those two off the list. Hey, wanna come and watch me lift weights?"

"Okay!" Cindy giggled. 

Steaming, Frohike watched them walk away. "I'm going to get him. But first, I'm dying for a Big Mac."

"I'm with you man," Langly agreed. "But what about the story? Byers is going to kill us."

"Don't worry, we'll get it." Frohike paused by the bulletin board to read a flyer, then tore it off and pocketed it.

"Okay, but it's kind of a shame."

"What?" Frohike asked, puzzled.

"My butt was starting to look a lot better in my jeans."

* * *

It was about a half an hour into the play when Yves made her way down the aisle and seated herself next to Frohike and Langly. "Did I miss anything?"

"Nope. Jimmy's been wandering around, pretending to be a robot - for a loooong time," Frohike answered. "Byers hasn't even shown up yet. So what name are you going by tonight?" 

"Yves Adele Harlow."

"Oh really?" Frohike asked, arching an eyebrow.

"I couldn't come up with anymore anagrams, okay?" Yves glared at him threateningly.

"Okay, okay!" Changing the subject, he commented, "I see you're wearing your present."

"Jimmy was nice enough to buy it for me, so I thought I'd wear it this once."

Langly snorted. "It probably only cost him about five bucks."

"So what? It's the thought that counts, Langly. Besides, with a little washing and alteration, it's not so bad." Not so bad indeed: even in a musty old bridesmaid-turned-party-dress, Yves still managed to look stunning. She sat up in her seat. "Look, there's Byers."

Byers sauntered onto the stage in an opened button up shirt and tight leather pants, his cheeks burning bright red. Langly and Frohike tried to stifle their laughter, but couldn't. People sitting nearby turned and frowned at them.

"Will you two hush!" Yves whispered.

"Oh my god, sitting through this play is so worth it now!" Langly said, tears streaming down his face.

"Go ahead and laugh, but Byers doesn't need to go to a gym," she replied.

"What? You think the narc looks good in leather pants?" Frohike asked in surprise. 

"Of course, any woman would. He's the cute one in your little boy band, didn't you know that? Besides, there's more to Byers than just narc." A wicked smile, and she added, "Much more."

Byers approached the miscellenous actress onstage and deadpanned, "I can tell you're nervous, but you deserve this. You deserve me. I am your supertoy, here to give you every pleasure you could ever desire. I will pleasure you in ways you have never imagined in your best nights of wild fantasies when you laid alone in bed, feverish for the love of a real man - a man who could really understand your needs." Nervously, he ad-libbed, "It'll be that good."

"Does it hurt?" the girl asked.

"Byers wouldn't know!" Langly snickered. "Ow!" Yves had kicked him hard with her high heeled shoe. 

"Another snide comment like that and I'll make sure you will _never_ know," she hissed. 

Just then, Jimmy rushed on and shouted, "_HELP_ ME! THEY WANT TO MELT MY FACE _OFF_!" A couple of futuristic police officers entered, and Jimmy grabbed Byers' hand, saying, "Please protect me, please protect me, please protect me..."

"Let go." Byers tried to shake off Jimmy's hand, but the jock-playing-robot-boy tightened it into a vice-grip and Byers protested in what sounded like real pain: "Ow! Let go, you _idiot_! Let go of me! Leggo!" He struggled for a few minutes, then the futuristic police officers approached them officially.

"We'll melt _both_ their faces off. Let's go." They led both Bobby the Boy Robot and Male Stripper Mike away, then the curtain fell for intermission. 

"Thank god," Langly said. "I feel like we've been here for a few hours."

Frohike frowned. "We _have_ been here for a few hours, and it's only half over."

"No, I'm sure there can't be that much more left," Yves assured them. 

Four hours later, all the Gunmen plus one unofficial Gunwoman walked out of the college theater. "I cannot believe how long that play was," Langly grumbled, rubbing his stiffened neck. 

"I know, there were a billion places where it could have ended - where it_ should_ have ended," Frohike commented.

"It sucked so bad!" Langly added.

"No it didn't!" Yves admonished him. "Don't you know anything? This play had the essence of _Alice in Wonderland_ or _Wizard of Oz_, and it was a perfect reimagining of _Pinochio_. It was brilliant. Don't you think so, Byers?" She turned to the one Gunman she figured would be intelligent enough to back her up. 

"I think I was a little too close to the material to make a decision either way," he replied, glad to be finally out of those leather pants. He still couldn't believe Jimmy was able to find them in that thrift shop.

"Come off it, Yves," Langly said, "You weren't really watching the play, you were watching Byers strut around in his pants."

Turning a brilliant shade of red, Byers swung around to face Yves, who quickly said, "That's ridiculous." She rushed ahead and walked next to Jimmy. 

"She didn't really ..."

"Oh, yeah she did," Frohike said, clapping the embarrassed narc on the shoulder. "There may be hope for you yet, John Boy. Just keep wearing those leather pants."

"Sorry you guys had to sit through all that. I know Jimmy really appreciated it."

"Hey, I don't think it was so bad," Frohike said. "It had some cool stuff going on in it, but I don't see why Jimmy kept jumping in that pool over and over at the end." 

"No, there was nothing cool about it, Frohike," Langly said firmly. "It was seven hours of my life I will never get back. _Ever_." 

"You guys didn't like it?" Jimmy had turned to look at them, and there was a sad and disappointed expression on his face. 

"We liked it, buddy," Frohike reassured him, giving Langly a dirty look. "It was just a little long, that's all. You were great, though," he added sincerely.

"Yeah, man, I never knew you could act so good," Langly agreed. They were both serious. "It's too bad some of that didn't rub off on Byers."

"Thanks," the narc said sarcastically.

"There was that one part where you were holding hands that you weren't too bad, Byers," Frohike said. "You didn't look like you were acting then."

"I wasn't." Byers massaged his still-hurting hand. 

"Don't worry Byers, you were there for your presence, not for your words," Yves said, giving him a pat on the arm. "I appreciated you." She gave him a devious smile before heading to her car. 

"Yves is so cool, she said I was so great in the play!" Jimmy said, a Big Grin lighting up his face. "And Dr. Jones said I was getting an A+, the best grade in the whole class!" 

"I'm getting a C," Byers said with a grimace. He had never gotten such a low grade before.

Frohike walked over to Jimmy and said, "Hey, since you're such a good actor now and all, I was hoping you could help Langly and me with a special project." 

"Sure! What project?"

* * *

Battlefield: Big Hank's Gym

Jimmy casually walked up to Cindy at the front counter. Flashing her The Big Grin, he said, "Excuse me, miss, I'd like to sign up as a member."

"Sure! Here you go!" Cindy smiled and blushed as she handed him the form.

"Oh, yeah, I was wondering - could I buy some of those supplements you guys have?"

"I'm sorry, but you have to come in for twenty visits first."

"But I'd really like to get some now." Jimmy summoned his powers, then gave her his very best pleasepleaseplease face. 

Cindy never stood a chance.

Jimmy walked past Langly and Frohike on his way to the locker room and grinned at them. "That was easy!"

Langly was mystified. "How does he do that?"

"I dunno - I guess we'll have to file that one under 'The Unsolved Mysteries'. Hey Langly, check that out!" They burst out laughing as they saw Mrs. Hogg putting Big Hank and Rodd through an intensive workout on the treadmill. The two jocks looked like they were running for their lives.

"Come on! You two say you are physical trainers? You wouldn't last two minutes in Germany! Run, now! Run!" 

"Hi, Mrs. Hogg!" Frohike said, smiling.

"Melvin, it's so wonderful to see you," she said. "Oh, and thank you so much for this job! They did not want to hire me at first, they thought I was too old. Well, not anymore."

"I knew you'd be perfect for it," he replied, glancing over at Big Hank. 

"You must come over sometime and I'll make some nice things for you to eat. Bring your friends!"

"Sure, I'll do that. I'll see you later." He and Langly walked past Rodd and Big Hank, who both looked very unhappy.

"Bye, boys." She turned to the jocks and demanded, "Why are you slowing down?! Keep running!"

The End? 


	4. Not Quite

jimmy4

Part IV: Not Quite 

by tbossjenn

Frohike and Langly sat staring at the test results of the dietary supplements from Hank's gym. They couldn't believe this, it was incredible. 

Unimaginable. 

Horrible. 

The tests proved conclusively that there was absolutely nothing unusual in the dietary supplements. 

"I'm going to kill her," Langly said flatly.

"Uh huh."

"I will hunt her down and I will kill her."

"Uh huh."

"Just as long as she holds still and lets me."

"Uh huh."

"Hey, man, don't you even care?"

Frohike sat up with a sigh. "Sure I care. Yves thinks _I _should lose weight, but Byers is perfection in leather pants."

"Good point."

"Of course, you know she's got a thing for Jimmy."

Langly snorted. "Sure. He's a big, dumb, good-looking jock who bought her a twenty-year old bridesmaid's dress from goodwill."

"Hey, he's not all jock, okay?" Frohike said firmly. 

"Yeah, okay," Langly conceded. "So what do we print now?"

Frohike leaned towards him and said, "Remember that tip we got on Prime Minister Tony Blair? Turns out it's true! We need to get over to England right away."

"Shouldn't we be trying to cover American conspiracies?"

"Yeah, but this is really big, Langly! Besides, not even Yves knows about this."

"Okay," Langly agreed. Then something suddenly occurred to him. "Hey, you know what's weird? We're major computer experts - we do almost everything on computers and we hardly ever drag ourselves away from them."

"Yeah? So?"

"Well, none of us have even touched our computers this whole time." The two of them looked over to their computers, which had actually collected a fine layer of dust.

"Whoa, man, that _is_ weird."

The End - for real this time 


End file.
